Like a Room Without a Roof

Finding happiness is, for some people, an endless journey. You could spend a lifetime moving in and out of jobs or relationships or towns searching for the perfect partner or perfect place that will certainly have the power to “make you happy”.

This quest is typically characterized by an initial period of blinding bliss, followed by a period of bewildered uncertainty and eventually you agonize internally wondering where it all went wrong. As you pick yourself up and, metaphorically or actually, pack your bags, you might rationalize that you just made a mistake this time but the real key to happiness is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, some people like this never come to understand that there is no corner around which lasting peace of mind is magically lurking. Everyone has heard the phrase that you can’t run away from what’s inside. It’s a tired metaphor yet one that always rings true. Your emotions are an imperfect circle that feeds a glowing ember of hope. We so desperately want that ember to spark to flame that we sometimes overlook the pieces of our lives that are always right in front of us. Always glowing. Always there waiting for us to remember them.

Happiness, true happiness, is always there. In the space between the spaces of our lives. Maybe overlooked. Surely taken for granted.

I’m sure we all could list a few things off the tops of our heads that have the power to ease our stress, unwind our fears and (dare I say) opens our souls to happiness. Whatever memories, thoughts, people or physical places that bring comfort. Maybe that’s where happiness lies, not around the corner.

I have made a list of just a few of mine. Most of these bring me daily comfort or see me return to them after trouble appears. In no particular order, these cherished things are part of my happy:

⁃ Being tucked into bed under warm blankets on a late autumn or a winter’s night. With either the sound of a strong cold breeze whipping the trees or the absolute silence of a midnight snowfall. My feet nice and toasty and the blankets pulled up high.

⁃ The first step onto the beach. The first time my bare foot touches the cool sand. I lived at the beach for 16 years and as much as I pontificate about my love for Autumn, hockey and fresh snow, I do secretly love all things summer beach related.

⁃ Visiting New England in the fall. Scarlet and golden kissed trees, fat pumpkins on a Cape Cod house porch, the smell of cinnamon and a fire pit in the distance. Taking a walk in the brisk morning air, the crunch of frosted leaves underfoot.

⁃ Magic hour. The twenty minutes or so before the sun sets over the horizon. Everything is bathed in a soft, golden light. The trees watch their shadows stretch away from the falling sun.

⁃ Making a great cup of coffee for someone. For me, rising early and making a warm cup for my loved one in their favorite mug is a feeling I can’t quite describe.

⁃ Feeling the blade of my skate dig into the ice when you first step out onto the rink (lots of “first steps” make me happy it seems!?!)

⁃ The innocent yet clumsy love displayed by a dog who doesn’t quite get the fact that he is a dog. No personal space and a wet nose in my face. Love it!

⁃ Discovering an odd, off the beaten path antique market or book shops. What mysteries! What shadowy backstory does each and every item hide? And the shop owners are always fascinating to talk to.

⁃ My daughter’s laugh. When she was very young her belly laugh was honest, loud and true. As she grows her laugh still is my favorite sound I have ever heard. Her laugh, like her, is full of grace, happiness and beauty.

⁃ Baseball. Please read a former blog of mine: https://agentargyle.wordpress.com/2020/02/23/its-hard-not-to-be-romantic-about-baseball/

⁃ Discovering a new artsy town rich with history and personality. Knowing that my partner in crime and I are about to back out of the driveway and embark on a new adventure. Diving into the local flavors and appreciating the nuances that each town has to offer.

⁃ Feeling someone’s heartbeat against my chest as we hold each other tight and face whatever life throws our way. Through all misunderstandings and every mistake, knowing that that heartbeat will always be there for me.

⁃ Big, loud, dumb movies. Marvel, Star Wars or anything in the ballpark. A dark theatre on a hot summer day. Waiting and eager to escape the world for a few hours. Turn off my brain and dream.

Take a few moments and think of the small things. Think of the happiness you helped give to someone else. Remember. As our world teeters on the brink of insanity and cruelty I believe it will be these tiny yet powerful memories that will lead us back to empathy and kindness. And there we will all find happiness.

Listening

Last evening, for the second time in a month, I had the extreme honor of speaking to an amazing group of people. I was invited back after my first offer to speak and share my story was a successful experience …

What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?

“The horse, with beauty unsurpassed, strength immeasurable and grace unlike any other, still remains humble enough to carry a man upon his back…” ~ Amber Senti Yesterday, my daughter asked to go to a miniature horse farm in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. …

XYZ

eXamine Your Zipcode. I’m back and I’m a blogging fool. Hold on, I just heard my teenage daughter’s eyes roll from the next room. Do they still call it “blogging”? It’s been a few years since I have posted and …

I am still standing

And by that I mean I am NOT sitting in The Lovely Chair of Death…

In an earlier blog I suggested that if I go silent (here), I may have fallen victim to the evil chair. Victim Number Three.

I have not. I am breathing. I am alive. I am healthy(ish). And I am moving…

Yep, moving to my own apartment. It has consumed all my time. I will post a humorous blog about it in the coming week.

As for now, I have been swallowed by the effort.

Things are looking up, no doubt! Fall is coming (a lengthy post for sure on that topic), I will be much closer to the GF and work (YAY!!! And… Huh?) and all sorts of aggravating odds and bits are starting to sort out.

And… Unfortunately… The Lovely Chair of Death may be coming with me. Yes, I know… Well, at least it will make it’s way onto the mover’s truck. We will see what it would cost to make it “swim wit da fishes”. However, it is desperately trying to come with me to the new place. No one wants it, it’s too heavy to leave curbside for the garbage dudes and I can not move it (bad back)… But I will NOT allow it to taint the newfound haven.

I’m on vacation…

I had thought that I wanted to blog while I was on vacation. Maybe I suspected that I would have tons of time to reflect on my life. Maybe I worried that after a couple of days I would want to mentally escape from extended family members (not true in the least by the way). Maybe I hoped I would be flooded with creative inspiration that would fill my soul with lyrics and sonnets…

None of these things are happening.

Instead, I have found myself enjoying being a full time parent (at least for the week). I knew I missed seeing the offspring’s deep blue eyes everyday. What I hadn’t realized was how much her daily absence has shaken me to the core.

I miss her little voice. I miss her big sense of humor. I miss her sharp observations. I miss her laugh. I miss getting “daddy hugs”. I use to get these things on a daily basis.

In another blog, at another time, I will write about the first three years of her life and how much this little miracle changed me forever. After all the living I have done, it took one little soul to melt the ice that led to my heart.

I am surrounded by beautiful beaches, cold drinks, warm sunlight, lazy afternoons and hundreds of beachside distractions.

All I want to do is soak up my daughter’s presence for as long as humanly possible. That other stuff is nice and all, but SHE is the one thing bringing me joy on this vacation.

Until next time, hug your kids (if you got them).

Bloog!

Pressure

So, I have discovered as I age (gracefully, mind you… #not) that I handle pressure differently. Do I handle it better? My psych degree has over twenty years of dust on it, but I believe I do.

I will not bore you with the details. I will not use this forum to bemoan “The Fantastic Woe of John”. Let’s just say that I am juggling several issues that my younger self would’ve met head on with panic and stomach ailments,

As I look at the situations I am currently dealing with, I visualize this:
I am standing hip deep in murky water in the turbulent ocean. My legs frozen in place as if a thousand hands are holding me back from moving forward. On the shore I see a sunny day and smiles. I want to ride a wave out of this and land safely on that shore.

My younger (dumber) self would’ve written lonely, whiny songs better suited for Staind. I would’ve shaken my fist at the sky and cursed the rain. I would’ve wallowed in juvenile, self centered pity and begged people to dare to understand what I am going through.

Jeesh. What a Drama Queen.

Today I look into the smile of my daughter, and I see hope. I laugh at the literal pile of crap that tries it’s best to anchor me in place.

I don’t know how this happened. I didn’t plan on this change for the better. I didn’t seek counseling to retrain my brain (in this area). I just woke up one day, and there I was.

And I like the new me. I think I’ll get to that precious shore following safely in his wake. No deep messages here. No wonky self exploration. Just a realization that all will be well soon. And that’s good enough for me.

Until next time, be good to yourself.

Bloog!